Ezine: Are You Taking Things Too Personally?

Dear Friend, Almost five years ago, Carol and I interviewed a fascinating neuropsychologist named Rick Hanson for our book, Happy for No Reason. Rick brilliantly explained how a “happy brain” works. He shared with us the great analogy that our brains are like Velcro for the negative, but Teflon for the positive – the negatives stick to us while the positives tend to slide right off. More importantly, he shared simple ways we can reverse that negativity bias. I’ve continued to be a huge fan of Rick and his work—we even began a book together. I avidly read Rick’s “just one thing” articles, which are wonderful short pieces about easy, powerful practices that can make a big difference in our happiness and well-being levels. In today’s ezine, I’d love to share one of my favorite “just one thing” ideas that I think you’ll find really helpful. Here are Rick’s wise words about “Don’t Take It Personally” (excerpted from his wonderful new book called Just One Thing): Here’s an updated parable from the ancient Taoist teacher Chuang-Tzu: Imagine that you are floating in a canoe on a slow-moving river, having a Sunday picnic with a friend. Suddenly there is a loud thump on the side of the canoe, and it rolls over. You come up sputtering, and what do you see? Somebody has snuck up on your canoe, flipped it over for a joke, and is laughing at you. How do you feel? Okay. Now imagine the exact same situation again: the picnic in a canoe, loud thump, dumped into the river, coming up sputtering, and what do you see? A large submerged log has drifted downstream and bumped into your canoe. This time, how do you feel? The facts are the same in each case: cold and wet, picnic ruined. But when you think you’ve been targeted personally, you probably feel worse. The thing is, most of what bumps into us in life—including emotional reactions from others, traffic jams, illness, or mistreatment at work—is like an impersonal log put in motion by ten thousand causes upstream. Say a friend is surprisingly critical toward you. It hurts, for sure, and you’ll want to address the situation, from talking about it with the friend to disengaging from the relationship. But also consider what may have caused that person to bump into you, such as misinterpretations of your actions; health problems, pain, worries or anger about things unrelated to you; temperament, personality, childhood experiences; the effects of culture, economy, or world events; and causes back upstream in time, like how his or her parents were raised. Recognize the humbling yet wonderful truth: most of the time, we are bit players in other people’s dramas. When you look at things this way, you naturally get calmer, put situations in context, and don’t get so caught up in me-myself-and-I. Then you feel better, plus more clearheaded about what to do. How? To begin with, have compassion for yourself. Getting smacked by a log is a drag. Also take appropriate action. Keep an eye out for logs heading your way, try to reduce their impact, and repair your “boat”—relationship, health, finances, career—as best you can. And maybe think about finding a new river! Additionally: 1. Notice when you start to take something personally. Be mindful of what that feels like—and also what it feels like to relax the sense of being personally targeted. 2. Be careful about making assumptions about the intentions of others. Maybe they didn’t do it “on purpose.” Or maybe there was one not-so-good purpose aimed at you that was mixed up with a dozen other purposes. 3. Reflect on some of the ten thousand causes upstream. Ask yourself: What else could be in play here? What’s going on inside the other person’s mind and life? What’s the bigger picture? 4. Beware getting caught up in your “case” about other people, driven by an inner prosecutor that keeps pounding on all the ways they’re wrong, spoke badly, acted unfairly, picked on you, really really harmed you, made you suffer, etc., etc. It’s good to see others clearly, and there’s a place for moral judgment—but case-making is a kind of obsessing that makes you feel worse and more likely to overreact and create an even bigger problem. 5. Try to have compassion for the other people. They’re probably not all that happy, either. Having compassion for them will not weaken you or let them off the moral hook; actually, it will make you feel better. And—really soak up the sense of strength and peacefulness that comes from taking life less personally. As a recovering “personalizer,” I love this reminder from Rick. Try applying these ideas over the next days and see how you relax and enjoy your life more. With Love for every reason,  Marci Shimoff